3 Ways to Filter Your Friends

Choosing your own values and ensuring your friends’ values don’t conflict are critical steps to picking quality relationships. But equally, if not more importantly, we must pick friends who have as much interest and time to put into the relationship as we do.

We all have that fun-loving friend who is the life of every party. But entertainment value isn’t enough if we seek to build a strong relationship with a friend. We need people we can count on to be available. When it comes to relationships, as with many things in life, consistency is more powerful than intensity.

I put this idea into practice with my three closest friends. For a while, we tried and failed to stay in touch while balancing our busy lives. We started drifting apart. A few years ago, while I was researching relationships for a chapter in my book, Indistractable, I asked each of them how they felt about scheduling a regular time to talk every month.

Of course, we can always be spontaneous and connect anytime, but we needed a regular recurring time on our schedules when we knew we would talk.

Of course, my friends could have said “no thanks,” that they didn’t like the idea of planning that far in advance for a phone call. But they all eagerly agreed. Now I have space for each of them in my timeboxed calendar, scheduled every month in perpetuity. No more falling out of touch or wasting time finding the time.

If someone doesn’t have the availability to connect with you regularly, then they may not be a great fit for you, even if they’re a great person. They just might not want to create the kind of deep relationship you’re looking for. That’s fine! Consider it a poor fit and move on.

Overall, having just a few good friends is better than having many superficial ones. You can take all that time you would have spread among a large network and invest it in the people who really matter to you.

Don’t be afraid to filter out the friends who don’t fit your values and instead keep the ones who can make time for you. You, and your relationships, will be stronger for it.