MOVIE REVIEW: ‘The Tourist’ wears out its welcome

Who is Alexander Pearce? And why is everybody after him? Those are the central questions intended to lure you into the international intrigue of “The Tourist.” But the question people are really asking is how hot are Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp together? The answer, of course, is utterly subjective, but I think I can safely state that the king and queen of sexy generate heat like a broken-down boiler. In fact, they left such a chill in the auditorium the theater manager actually had to crank up the thermostat. I kid you not.

No, the real joke is on anybody foolish enough to drop coin on a movie that is merely a string of clichés and obvious plot twists. The aesthetics, however, are exquisite, with the beauty of Venice rivaling the splendor of Depp and Jolie.

But look beyond the pretty sunsets and the even prettier faces of Hollywood’s two most famous stars and you’ll see absolutely nothing. And once that sinks in, you’ll stop wondering, “Who is Alexander Pearce,” and start asking, “who wrote this?” Surely, it was a committee of hacks. That is, of course, if you feel comfortable calling an Oscar nominee in Christopher McQuarrie (“The Usual Suspects”) and a pair of Oscar winners in Julian Fellowes (“Gosford Park”) and director Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck (“The Lives of Others”) hacks.

They’re not, of course, but they definitely are slumming with their lame Hitchcock knockoff in which Depp plays a Wisconsin math professor sucked into a life-and-death game of cat and mouse after his Frank makes the acquaintance of Jolie’s mysterious Elise on a high-speed train from Paris to Venice.

As any Hitchcock fan will tell you, the strangers on a train bit is straight out of “North by Northwest,” and the “is he, or isn’t he a criminal” is lifted entirely from “To Catch a Thief.” There’s even a rooftop chase scene reminiscent of the latter. But Hitchcock would never be cheeky enough to end such a pursuit with a cheap laugh courtesy of a chubby Venetian constable falling into the drink after Depp leaps upon him.

Yes, that’s the sophomoric level of humor we’re dealing with here, but at least it has more credibility than the ridiculous chase scenes in which the bad guys fire their guns point blank but somehow miss their target.

It’s almost as incredulous as a boat chase through the canals in which the villains, in this case the hapless henchman of a Jabba the Hut crime boss (Steven Berkoff), are fleet enough of foot that they can outrun a motorboat.

Sorry, not buying it. Nor am I buying the lame subplot about Paul Bethany’s Scotland Yard hotshot wasting millions of the Crown’s money and dozens of detectives in pursuit of a tax cheat named Alexander Pearce, who may, or may not be Depp. But that’s just the surface of a film that wears its preposterousness on its sleeve, I would expect such laziness on the part of talentless directors like Michael Bay and Roland Emmerich, but not Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck, who created the brilliant, Oscar-winning “The Lives of Others” his last time out.

Now that was a film, full of suspense born out of real-life spy games and fortified by riveting moral questions. “The Tourist” has none of that. It exists more on the level of a Road Runner cartoon, as Depp and Jolie race to stay one step ahead of the Yard and the mob.

That might have meant something if the movie provided even an inkling of why anyone should care about two gorgeous people living la vida loca in the world’s most beautiful city. They have no chemistry and zero depth. They’re just wax figures adding to the city’s décor.

In that context, it’s probably a good thing they generate so little heat, because if they had, they’d probably melt faster than the movie’s relevance.

THE TOURIST (PG-13 for violence and brief strong language.) Cast includes Johnny Depp, Angelina Jolie, Paul Bethany and Steve Berkoff. Co-written and directed by Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck. 2 stars out of 4.